ashlizxox

My last post was so negative and went against all of my new years resolutions for the most part..


I've been really good lately. 2009 is off to a great start :)

I'm so frustrated. I can't stop crying and shaking right now. Erin is partying. Nick is downtown with his cool new friends. I knew that as soon as he realized that he still wants to be friends with his ex's friends I wasn't going to be needed. I asked him to hangout with me all the time over break. we hung out one time. once. he is having a party on Friday, sure I was invited, but I just wont fit in. I told him this and he was real nice, saying I don't need to, he wont be angry, blah blah. Then when I make the chocie to come.. he says "oh okay" he should have saud, no you're my best friend, you're coming. you're going to relax and have a good time for the first time in your life. seriosuly, I try so hard to talk to him, see whats going on in his life. All it comes down to is the fact that you don't get one word answers from your best friend.. he is not my best friend. It's so hard when you think you only have one person in your life, but in the reality of it, you don't have anyone. It's so hard knowing you dont have a single person in the world that you can turn to no matter what. If i had AIDS, i would need someone to tell me, oka this sucks, but im here. Nick would run screaming and tell all of the world.

Cheerleading. I hate it. I make myself sick over it. example: last night I had a headache all day long because all i could think about was not my first day of classes but the 3 days of games in a row and a cheer competition we are not prepared for. Practice was death. No one could move were so sore, it's ridiculous. After practice we went to the bar to have fun, and I most certainly did. and today, was in a perfect mood until it was time to get ready for the game and I freaked out so I made myself sick. It is such a negative atmosphere from the coach to the captains to my stunt group. Rookies are taught to keep their mouths shut at practice and games, but how can I do that when I'm so uncomfortable. So.. I keep my mouth shut and let it all build up. I could just walk away.. I know that is an option. But I'm not a quitter. But, I'm also not fake. I promised myself I will be the last thing from that now. I wont walk into practice like i love it, i can't do it. I was fake for too long.

coaching. The head coach is a bitch. My seniors moved up a level. They are being chanllenged. I called to tell her what place they came in (3rd) and she goes "fuck, my teams fucking suck. i hate them all. I just don't get why they dont win" EXCUSE ME. They are 8-14 year olds. you will not talk about them that way especially to another coach. of course i defend myslf and the girls and i get called a traitor and get told i cant be trusted. then she proceeded to call other parents and freakout on them.. I hope Flips fires her ass and I take over teh program at age 19. yes, thats what I want. I want an all star cheerleading program. i want champions that are poised, talented and confident in their ability and of course i don't want them to be the best i want to see them perform and be their best. thats all a coach can and should ask for.






Of topic- new years resolutions:
1. don't be fake. to others and myself
2. don't sweat the small stuff. I cannot control the world, But i can control myself. Losing sleep and not eating, getting migrans and crying often is unhealthy and useless. I will live a stressfree(to the best of my ability) from now on.
3. lose 20 pounds. ugh I just want to be sexy
4. (from my 7 year old cousin) get a boyfriend, or even a boy in my life thats not a loser. Yes, she said this to me on new years when we were all sharing our resolutions.

how do you have a best friend that you don't hangout with.

I'm no angry at this person because of this and I don't know why. he was the perfect best friend on Sat. Now, I'm angry.

happy new years...

I have a lot to write about, I just don't feel like it.. I'm dreading going back to school for one reason.. and thats cheerleading:(

SIDENOTE: since i dont have a bofriend, nor want one.. I'm buying myself a diamond ring. I have plenty of money.. Mine as well. My mom is going to kill me when i come home from DC with one.. Whoops.

I want tp lose 20 pounds by the time i go to Florida (end of march with Dream Team) Currently I'm at 135 (holy shit, thanks college/summer) 115 isn't an unreasonable weight for me to be at. I have been working my butt of these past 5 days, I'm so sore it's ridiculous. My friend made me a work out and I plan to stick with it. I meet with him only 2 times a week at LAFC and will stop once school starts, so I really need to make sure I'm on the right track. My nutritionist brother, awe, helped me set up a diet plan  and downloaded a few tools on my PC to help count my calories.. so far so good.. 

wish me luck :/

I just need to do something good for myself-outside of cheerleading and coaching--all of that is too stressful for me to feel something good from it.

PS-my girls are going level 3 at DC, and im freaking out.. I don't sleep at night. i go through their routine in my head thinking of ways i can make it better. lol I'm a loser.

I have 2 papers to write by Friday and about a million other things going on. I'm planning on knocking out one my Sunday night.. then spend the night in the Library on Monday to finish up the other. Finals are in 2 weeks (they start next Monday..) I'm real nervous for philosophy, I'm so nervous for that one..

I am currently in the final step of my dream team Christmas gift- clear glass ornaments, with stars, spray painted with frosted glass spray paint, blue glitter and a red bow.SO CUTE! It just took so long. My mom and dad helped though, it was a fun project.

This week, being at home I was able to discuss my options for next year.. I don't want 70 thousand dollars in student loans at the end of college. So, next year I'm going to live at home and commute. Not because I don't love living at NU, but i  realized I love my family more than the freedom. I learned so much and I'm sure will continue to learn even more come spring semester. I've made great friends and enjoyed my whole experience there, but life is about making choices, I'm making the responsible one for my future. I'm re doing my room over Christmas to make it more adult like.. I'm doing it all on my own.

I want to learn how to knit and sew. I'm going to teach myself over break...

I want to stat walking, I know my knees cant handle running(my orthopedic told me if i keep cheerleading there is a chance I will need knee replacement surgery by the time I'm 35. thank you cheerleading and gymnastics.

Speaking of: cheerleading at NU has been a big let down(I admit it. I do) At times i love it, other times i hate it. we practiced for 4 hours on Friday night only to not go to competition. I admit, we werent going to be ready. a broken nose and ankle in 4 days(camp?!) it was too dangerous. when you use every girl on your team(no front spots) it hard to fill in. I mean, i knoww if i was doing a layout full basket toss I would want to realllyyyy trust the people under me. Anyways, I love the girls and coach, but sometimes the hours i put in aren't worth it at the end because i have given up SO much more for it. thats hard sometimes, knowing that being a NU cheerleader is who you are on campus. I mean, i wanted that.. but now that i work about 5 hours a week, dont get to see my family or friends and practice 3 to 4 hours a high 5 to 6 nights a week is a lot.. i think its a lot for anyone. Oh, for the love of the sport. I guess we'll see how the second half of the season goes.

well, I guess i'll go finish putting the bows on my gifts..


I think i like being a coach better than a cheerleader somedays

*Coached Tonawanda tumbling wednesdays. The girls did good. I was impressed with them. But, i have a theoy. Kim likes JV better than varsity(the girls are more "talented" (naturally that is.. a good coach can produce a good team, maybe not the best but a good team. take a look at dream tream and st. amelias) she wanted JV. enough said.

IF MY MOM DOESN'T LET ME GO TO WASHINGTON, DC TO FUCKING COACH CHEERLEADING I MIGHT KILL HER. ITS MY FUCKING JOB TO GO TO COMPETITIONS AND COACH THOSE GIRLS. ITS 8 HOURS AND I WILL BE DRIVING WITH FOUR OTHER PEOPLE. SHE IS SUCH A FREAKING PAIN IN THE ASS. WHO CARES I'M EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. NOT EIGHT.

I'M GOING TO DC TO FUCKING WORK. WHAT IS SHE GOING TO DO WHEN I DECIDE I DONT WANT TO LIVE AROUND HERE ANYMORE. WHEN I DECIDE TO DO STUDY ABROAD?! YEA, I THOUGHT SO BITCH.

This could be a very long post.. We'll see how this goes.

School & NU in general: we are certainly not a party school, I'm okay with that. I don't like to drink and go out often anyways. Some of my friends are into.. and that is certainly okay. I respect their lives and they respect mine. Classes are wonderful, I have a D is Philosophy, even after meetings with the teacher and a tutor. I have to get a 20/25 on the final to get a C, plus there is extra credit. I can bring that up.. Other than that, school is great.

Next week we get to register for next semester and I'm looking more forward to that than this semester because i know what to expect now. I know where I have gone wrong and where I need to step up.

Cheerleading: Has been a little crazy. The "rookies" revolted, minus Erin and I. It was horrible. Coach was so hurt by it all and now feels like she needs to walk on egg shells or peoples self esteem is going to suffer. We can't be called rookies or anything of that sort because some girls were offended. I would simply like to say-when you were a senior captain, you too acted like or captains and upper classman, this is nothing new. schedules change often and we end up practicing for about15 hours a week. It's a lot. and to be honest last week I always walked away, But I was reminded why I cheer and why I cheer for NU.

Home opener (mens and womans) is this Sunday and I am so excited. Next weekend we compete in a regional competition- prelims, finals.. total score. I'm nervous.  I'll post about them both later..

Home and Family: Still don't talk to anyone from Tonawanda--I wish cheerleading was better for those girls. Its hard when you expect so much from a program, then you get let down. I'm there now too. That's hard, but the girls at THS have a lot of heart and talent, they dont deserve that. I'm keeping this journal about my coaching.. I'm really excited to have my own HS team or All Star program because i have a lot of ideas..

My mom and Dad are amazing. absolutly amazing. I couldnt ask for more from them. our relationship has grown so much in the past 3 months, it's increidble. They have taught me so much in life.



To sum this all up-- I'm happy. I have friends who love me, I genuinely laugh and smile. I can speak whats on my mind and stand up for what i believe in. Sure, i haven't been perfect here and have had my share fair of melt down, but i'm talking to someone.. and that is all getting better. I'm getting better..


xox

yesterday i woke up in a bad mood, yanno when you have those days.

I haven't had an 'old Ashley, contemplate you're crazy day" since high school. I had one yesterday. Cried for about  hours, went to practice, got sick? typical. and came home to cry some more because i have a research draft due today that i couldn't work on because i couldn't see.

Today needs to be better, I need to feel good.

lets talk about how my "friends" are pissed because i made the choice to not go out tonight. no thank you, that's unfair to ask me to drive AGAIN, and then drive back at 7 in the morning AGAIN.

i made a really big mistake last night. sure, i had fun. but at the end of the day it was irresponsible and a mistake. And now, I need to make sure I don't make that mistake again. I promised myself i wouldn't do this to myself,( because i did this over and over again in high school) and I just did. But, It cant happen again. Sure, I have fun when i go out, and I go to class the next day and get all of my work done. and still have 2 jobs. and cheer.. which I'm starting to hate. you shouldnt have to wake up knowing your day is going to suck cause of cheerleading and the cheerleaders.

But,  the reason i am feeling so horrible. i hooked up with him, i dont even know him. I slept in his bed. knowing it was going to happen. I didn't sleep with him. I said no. but it shouldnt even have gotten to that point where i was in the position to have to make a choice. and went to work still drunk(not literally, but close) and have gained 7 pounds ( i know that sounds shallow to say, but i have a uniform to fit into)

I this all happened on Thursday, why do i still feel so horrible about myself?

I want to forget who i was and be someone new. Yesterday i was like a depressed middle aged divorced woman. I laid in bed ALL day and ate shitty food. Well at one point i started writing. yanno, getting everything that is in my head out. I started to peice together why I am how I am.. it ended up be really long. maybe ill post it later.

I'm a loner. Every time people get close to me, I push them away. I always have, its horrible.

Katie Farnham was a good friend and i tossed her to the side for Nick, cause I thought i loved him or something lame (i was 15, don't judge) I actually tossed her aside many times. She always tried to be a good friend and i just couldnt see that until a few minutes ago when i was sitting in clet all alone, eating ice cream trying to figure out what I'm doing here at NU. I tossed away my friendship senior year with really great girls because I thought that I was mature, and i could say cruel things and it wouldn't matter because I was an adult, and adults can do that. I thought that i was so much better because i had all my life figured out. i knew who i was,  and who i was going to be.

Well News Flash dear Ashley: You're not all that mature, or on your way to being an adult. You had no clue who you were, and now, you have no idea where the hell you are going.

Its hard to know all of this, and not know how to deal with it.

I really need to work that out. And I will, because although I may make poor choices, I'm strong. I can't handle my life on my own. hell, i haven't had a friend in so long. I deal with everyday alone. I deal with the fact that i'm a loner all on my own. I mean, people don't even realize it..

I just read this stupid, oka, actually it was really good, article in the Tonawanda News about TNT, but it was about all of the things Tonawanda will be doing this week and it made me miss high school. Then, it made me appeciate high school. I wish i would have lived it up when i was actually there..

I guess thats why I'm here at NU, making my dreams come true. Tonight is our pep-rally. There are going to be A LOT of people here, I'm real nervous. I wore my uniform for the first time on Friday and it just feels right. I'm in my own skin when i put that thing on..

yesterday was mine and Erin's one month anniversary of living together, aweeee. I love her :)

i can't believe I've been here for a month.. it's nuts

I LOVE COLLEGE & DORM LIFE & MY CLASSES & CHEERLEADING & WORK STUDY & FLIPS GYMNASTICS IN LEWISTON & MY FAMILY..


I'm really happy and just thought i would share!

I have so much to say about cheerleading and my teammates and school.. I'm so excited about it all!

 We had our 2 day choreography camp--that's when you learn your competition routine from beginning to end from morning to night(if you didn't know) Our instructors name was Matt and was straight up clone of Roman. At one point he told one of my teammates "you're not sexy enough, get your ass to the back." he would pull girls from the front just to prove the point that we are place fillers.. we dont have a definite spot on the team, nor front row. There is 24 of us and only 20 going to nationals. so basically, STEP IT UP OR YOUR OUT. 

So i base this little girl for structures (3 high pyramids, yanno the stuff you see on college nationals on TV. yea were going there) and for tosses. We back tuck toss and LAYOUT FULL TOSS. what the fuck man. In structures, we throw this little girl on top of a bunch of other girls in the air.. she hangs out up there then we catch her and do 2 more, we have 3 in the routine. holy. Our routine starts with a few motions, toe touch 2 back handsprings.(all 20 girls) then round off back hand spring tucks (15 of them, fuck yes!) into stunts for 12 8-counts. the flyers feet do not touch the ground one time. we do round off tuck tuck catch the feet on the girls way down, sponge, 360, to an arobesque, double, sponge show and go, pop to back, throw front flip, sponge, heel stretch double down. Into tumbling, round off, half step out round off back tuck (coach hopes for! and im going to get it.. im so determined.) into the tosses, yanno the layout full one to the 3 different structures into our sick ass dance! then ending pose. Its amazing. absolutly amazing..

we had a broken ankle and a brokenn nose. not fun. every girl on my team is amazing, not one girl is bad. its like my dream team.. this is what ive worked for..

 i just read one of the most frustrating things ever. . 

it shoudnt matter whats happening back home. im making my own life. .something both beth and kristen asked of me. they didnt want me to stay at home and try and make things right. Kristen was the one that told me over and over again, get out of here. and Beth was the one that told me not to give up cheerleading..they helped me get to where i am..

.. in 10 years, ill be back and ill make champions.

i will. mark my word.

In one week i will attend my first practice as an NU purple eagle cheerleader..

That's so exciting..

Sunday and Monday we have practice from 3-6, Sunday a team dinner and party. Tuesday and Thursday we are learning our competition routine with a choreographer from VRoc (NCA college choreography) Thursday we have off and Friday is move in day..

That Sunday through Tuesday night Erin, Tiff and I will be having a sleepover at Tiffs house.. The senior captains are hosting all of the rookies at there houses so we feel like we belong.. Moms freaking that i wont be home.. but I'm excited.

I'M EXCITED. i haven't been excited about my life in about 2 years..

I miss having a boyfriend. Have you ever just needed someone to make out with? yea... i need someone.

 UGH i hate money.. seriously i wish i could have someone to control it for me.. like i feel like i get a check from work and after all of my stupid college shit and bills i have no more.. 

how am i going to get through college?!?

 I'm so tired today, i cant even function. yesterday was day one of our kids camp, it was sorta lame.. I mean the girls are real cute but other than that not so much. I went to work for 5hours so that was a plus. today I'm not getting any hours..crap!

I have to make a stop at Nu today, they messed up my tuition bill.. i have no clue how or why.. those skanks. and i need to buy my books, hey 500 bucks on stupid stuff! and my parking pass so i can live on campus and still make my boss happy and work my ass off so i have a bomb house in five years! 

I want to get my hair dyed.. im just so bored. maybe on thursday before i start packing.. sigh.

 I hate coaching DreamTeam, its seriously like i have to breathe it.. i cant enjoy gymnastics cause its all about cheer.. and for me thats just not going to work... 

my boss(Don) tried to get my out of coaching and Missy confronted me and i shut up like a turtle.. i wish i had a backbone and told her that i enjoy coaching cheerleading and gymnastics and running birthday parties and running the summer camp...

I think i have bitten off more than i can chew...

but when you take on something you dont just quit especially when you're not the only one involved.. there are other coaches counting on me as well as 50 girls and their parents..